Life Is A Sample Sale

Dumb boy - the telephone

Dear dumb boy, If you say you’re going to call me, call me. I’m not mad that you didn’t call, I’m mad that you SAID you would call and didn’t. There’s a difference.

We’ve gone on a few dates, you’re clearly an avid texter, which is a fine form of communication…but you didn’t say “I’ll text you later.” You said you’d call. It’s not a bfd if you text over calling. I prefer a phone call, but I’m fine texting. You said you’d call and then you didn’t.

Just pick up the phone and no one gets hurt.

This one’s for you: http-www-pickupthephone-us

Sample them all

Switch hitter

Last weekend was Pride Fest in Minneapolis, currently the gayest city in the country (what now, San Fran?!). My friend Abbs (who lives down the street from me) and I took my dog for some people watching and beef corndogs (that is not a codeword for anything). While we were there, it was obvious most ladies walking together were special lady friends. We passed a booth where a man tried desperately to sell us a couples cruise. In true fashion, I played along and asked about couples massages, romantic dinners.. yada yada. I then had to break it to him that we were already going to Florida for vacation, but we would look into a cruise for our vacation next year. Abbs nearly died, she has yet to learn that I have little shame when it comes to embarrassing other people.   Flash forward to today… Abbs and I walked to work (as I said, she lives down the street.. we walk together almost ever day it’s nice) and decided to get scones at the Farmer’s Market for our bosses because we were running late and what better way to erase your tardiness than with scones?! As we were going our separate ways, we ran into her boss. Abbs told him she bought him a scone and introduced the two of us. THEN about an hour ago she texted me this:   “Uh, I had told my boss abt the ppl at pride trying to sell us a cruise. I just heard him on the phone tell his wife abt the scone and he said “yea she was with her lesbian friend. Nice girl, that lesbian.”   Though a GLBTQ supporter and a believer you should love whoever you want, I happen to swing towards men. Now in the eyes of a law firm in Minneapolis, I’m that nice lesbian.

Awesome. I guess I can comfortably check all eligible men in that office off my list. Unless I can convince one of them that he switched me to the other team….

Stay tuned.  

Does that really work?!

Over lunch, in the downtown skyway, a man said, “damn girl, you fill out like a colored woman. I want to get to know you.”

So … I’ve got that going for me.

Yes, I do have what some might call a little junk in the trunk, but does it warrant attention by randoms?! Come on, guy in peach Polo and slacks, does that actually work?

If a guy tries 100 times and it gets him ass once, I guess it’s a success.

My first bridal shower

I survived my first bridal shower last weekend in Chicago. I’ve known the girl since kindergarten. We used to have sleepovers every weekend. And I mean EVERY weekend. We would switch off houses. Our mothers were the best for driving us all the time.

Anyway, the fiance and her bought this gigantic home in our hometown. They purchased the home from the bank after its foreclosure. Apparently this is the way to go for future home-buyers.

The house was beautifully painted with help from all the family - spots of pink and purple sprouting from everywhere. I ran into some old “friends” from junior high and asked them the usual about life and what they were doing. Most of them are still hanging around Illinois bopping around in Chicago. I spent approximately two minutes talking to them and decided that was more than enough time (considering I never liked them to begin with).

The basis of a bridal shower is the shower the bride with gifts. I knew this going into it, but I mean for real? That’s all that happens? No scandal? No nothing? WHAT IS THIS? I dressed up to watch my friend open gifts!? Ok, I know, I’m being dramatic. But seriously. Bridal showers are not that exciting, people. The coolest part was seeing my old friend and the cake! The cake was one of the Barbie doll cakes with red velvet deliciousness inside. UGH. That cake! I have been dreaming of you.

The worst part? Finding out her future hubby doesn’t want kids. I have no idea what this girl is going to do considering I have never met a person who likes holding kids more. Every time you turn around she’s holding somone’s kid. Not to mention she’s a teacher.

Good luck, girl. And next time, call some strippers or something.

Tampons

• Matt: What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
• Sally: I don't know, what?
• Matt: Nothing. They're both stuck up cunts.